Have you ever lost someone? But not physically lose them, like mentally lose them. And I'm not talking just going from one best friend to another every week (like us, girls, do) I'm talking the one person you can actually connect with, who you still hangout with every day, but is completely changed into a different person. Because, if you have, I need to know how to handle it.
This person is someone that I love with everything that I have, but I'm sad all the time and they don't see that part of me, or if they do, it doesn't seem like it matters much to them. There comes a point where you can only say so much and forgive so much before you actually start believing that actions speak louder than words. I want to believe everything that comes out of their mouth but how can I do that when its literally same sh*t different day.
Friday, August 26, 2016
Thursday, April 21, 2016
When Life Isn't Good
When life doesn't go your way theres a few things that you can do.
1. Tell yourself that the world is ending and you're never going to be successful
2. Take each day as a new day and make the best of what you can when you can
3. Use the outcome of one situation to determine the rest of your life choices.
Now, while the list goes on and on and on... Number three speaks loudly to me. After leaving one college and convincing myself that I will never be successful in life, I eventually got myself some what together and got a job. I was nannying which was something that I always did, was good at, was easy, and made good money... For being 19. Then I decided that I wasn't busy enough since I kept lingering on the fact that where my life was at wasn't where I wanted it to be. So, I got a second job at a restaurant (which I will never recommend to anyone...ever). I told myself that this was not the type of life that I wanted for myself and I would do whatever it took to change it.
I applied to a community college, I got accepted and was ready to start classes. I just couldn't put my pride aside. I couldn't, and still can't, even though I need to, accept the fact that even thought community college was something I never had to consider post high school, its now something that may be my "Only option" post leaving a four year school in the middle of the first semester. Hoping, and not really knowing anything about requirements for applying as a transfer student to another four year school, I applied with all of the hopes of getting accepted and starting anew life for me. It was all I really wanted and all that I really looked forward too now. I had hope again. When I finally got my letter, my Dad had it in his hand. I just walked through the door after a day of shopping with not a care in the world. He looked at me and said "Here it is Em, i'm so sorry". I thought he was joking. So with a big smile on my face I said "I didn't get in?!" and it was in that moment, I knew he wasn't joking. I didn't get in.
What on earth am I supposed to do now. People keep telling me "you're young, you have plenty of time to figure it out" but... I don't. Pretty soon all of my friends are going to be graduating from college, getting real jobs, doing adult things. And what am I going to be doing? That is the one thing I don't want think about.
However... here I am, young, outgoing, and adventurous. I have an amazing family that supports any decision I make and will be there to help through any situation that I get myself into. And so I think, is this meant to be? Wherever I am meant to be, I will get there... Eventually. I've learned that being successful isn't going to come easy, and having to work towards it is going to make getting there that much more fulfilling. Going to a four year school, getting a cookie-cutter degree, thats the easy route.
My life is tough right now, it could be tougher. I use every outcome as a way of learning something valuable. So far I've learned that life isn't fair, but I can't use that as an excuse to set myself back. I might have to go down a path that I've never even thought about going down in order to get where I am supposed to be. But eventually, I'll get somewhere, and I'll be happy. I am young, I am enjoying life as much as I can, and I am thankfully life is hard because I wouldn't be grateful if it wasn't.
1. Tell yourself that the world is ending and you're never going to be successful
2. Take each day as a new day and make the best of what you can when you can
3. Use the outcome of one situation to determine the rest of your life choices.
Now, while the list goes on and on and on... Number three speaks loudly to me. After leaving one college and convincing myself that I will never be successful in life, I eventually got myself some what together and got a job. I was nannying which was something that I always did, was good at, was easy, and made good money... For being 19. Then I decided that I wasn't busy enough since I kept lingering on the fact that where my life was at wasn't where I wanted it to be. So, I got a second job at a restaurant (which I will never recommend to anyone...ever). I told myself that this was not the type of life that I wanted for myself and I would do whatever it took to change it.
I applied to a community college, I got accepted and was ready to start classes. I just couldn't put my pride aside. I couldn't, and still can't, even though I need to, accept the fact that even thought community college was something I never had to consider post high school, its now something that may be my "Only option" post leaving a four year school in the middle of the first semester. Hoping, and not really knowing anything about requirements for applying as a transfer student to another four year school, I applied with all of the hopes of getting accepted and starting anew life for me. It was all I really wanted and all that I really looked forward too now. I had hope again. When I finally got my letter, my Dad had it in his hand. I just walked through the door after a day of shopping with not a care in the world. He looked at me and said "Here it is Em, i'm so sorry". I thought he was joking. So with a big smile on my face I said "I didn't get in?!" and it was in that moment, I knew he wasn't joking. I didn't get in.
What on earth am I supposed to do now. People keep telling me "you're young, you have plenty of time to figure it out" but... I don't. Pretty soon all of my friends are going to be graduating from college, getting real jobs, doing adult things. And what am I going to be doing? That is the one thing I don't want think about.
However... here I am, young, outgoing, and adventurous. I have an amazing family that supports any decision I make and will be there to help through any situation that I get myself into. And so I think, is this meant to be? Wherever I am meant to be, I will get there... Eventually. I've learned that being successful isn't going to come easy, and having to work towards it is going to make getting there that much more fulfilling. Going to a four year school, getting a cookie-cutter degree, thats the easy route.
My life is tough right now, it could be tougher. I use every outcome as a way of learning something valuable. So far I've learned that life isn't fair, but I can't use that as an excuse to set myself back. I might have to go down a path that I've never even thought about going down in order to get where I am supposed to be. But eventually, I'll get somewhere, and I'll be happy. I am young, I am enjoying life as much as I can, and I am thankfully life is hard because I wouldn't be grateful if it wasn't.
Friday, February 19, 2016
It's been a while
When I first thought of the title for the post, it was more of a self explanatory 'I haven't written in a while' title. But as I was typing it... It actually perfectly describes everything I'm feeling. It's just been a while. It's been a long time since I've sat at my computer and thought about how my weeks have been. A while since I thought about the good, the bad, the what if's. In a way I guess thats a good thing because I have been too busy to dwell on the things that are making me upset, I guess its also bad that I haven't taken the time to remember all the moments that made me happy. While I look back I think about those moments now, the good the bad the ugly.
It's been a while since I've hangout with friends, which I mean isn't really odd considering I'm not at school right now so I don't have the chances to make new friends and the more I look back on it I don't really want to be with the friends that I had in high school (for obvious reasons). Not having a lot of friends can be good and bad. You see, it's been a while since I've had any "Im mad so and so didn't invite me to wherever" drama, but at the same time, thats kind of what I miss... Being invited, being not invited, knowing that things were going on around me.
Having to find another school to (hopefully) attend in the fall also brings me to another "it's been a while" moment. It has been a LONG time since I have applied to colleges. You'd think that since I had done it before it wouldn't be as stressful. You'd be wrong. It's more stressful knowing that I have to explain my former situation to colleges hoping that they understand I WANT to learn. But, I have learned through this whole stressful school 'thing' that just because I saw what happened as a failure doesn't mean I can't be a success.
Having all this time to myself (even though I work two jobs and really don't have much time at all) makes me realize that I am young. I don't need to be where everyone else my age is. We all have our own paths in life and mine is different than others. Mine is how it should be, how it needed to be in order for me to be successful in the future. While some may have seen my situation as something that is holding them back, I took it as an opportunity to take my time in life. To let things figure themselves out. I have taken the time to regain my happiness.
When one door closes, another door opens.
It's been a while since I've hangout with friends, which I mean isn't really odd considering I'm not at school right now so I don't have the chances to make new friends and the more I look back on it I don't really want to be with the friends that I had in high school (for obvious reasons). Not having a lot of friends can be good and bad. You see, it's been a while since I've had any "Im mad so and so didn't invite me to wherever" drama, but at the same time, thats kind of what I miss... Being invited, being not invited, knowing that things were going on around me.
Having to find another school to (hopefully) attend in the fall also brings me to another "it's been a while" moment. It has been a LONG time since I have applied to colleges. You'd think that since I had done it before it wouldn't be as stressful. You'd be wrong. It's more stressful knowing that I have to explain my former situation to colleges hoping that they understand I WANT to learn. But, I have learned through this whole stressful school 'thing' that just because I saw what happened as a failure doesn't mean I can't be a success.
Having all this time to myself (even though I work two jobs and really don't have much time at all) makes me realize that I am young. I don't need to be where everyone else my age is. We all have our own paths in life and mine is different than others. Mine is how it should be, how it needed to be in order for me to be successful in the future. While some may have seen my situation as something that is holding them back, I took it as an opportunity to take my time in life. To let things figure themselves out. I have taken the time to regain my happiness.
When one door closes, another door opens.
Sunday, October 25, 2015
wait.
I actually just started writing something and then decided 'I don't like this I'm going to start over'.
Can you imagine, imagine if it was THAT easy to just decide you don't like something and want to start it over. My life would be some much more simple... Even they way I just worded that was confusing "so much more".
Anyway- as its 1:00 in the morning theres so many things running through my mind. I hate it.
First (as always): College. What am I going to do. After a long weekend with my parents (I was home wednesday-sunday because I have been SERIOUSLY sick) I didn't really get any thinking done because talking to them is merely impossible because I yell, then they yell, then I cry, then they give up. SO I've decided for myself that I need to figure everything out and then tell them my plans and ask for their help. BUT what am I going to do. Here are my options
1. Transfer to BSU/UMB
2.Hair dressing school
3. Community college until i figure it out
4. Stay at snhu
Now that I know my options, and I mean those are what I think all of my options are... and if I am missing one.... PLEASE SOMEONE HELP... I should list the pros and the cons
1. If i transfer to a state school I can save significant amounts of money, I can have a job, I can live at home and mom and dad may even buy me a jeep. (pros) But if transfer to a state school I will have to meet all new people, change my major because accounting... not. for. me. and I would potentially have to live at home with my parents nagging me, making me live in my room that I've lived in my entire life when I'm technically supposed to be living on my own and learning to live on my own. and I don't want to miss the college experience... Even if I am not sure if I completely know what that is, or if I like it. (cons)
2. If I go to a cosmo school I will be done with school in a year and will be able to have a job at 19/20 potentially be happier with my life because I'm not stressed out about what assignment is due when and what math problem goes with what formula (pros). BUT I will be waisting everything I am doing at school right now, which doesn't really seem practical because I really am working hard, even if my 49 in math says otherwise. -_- (cons).
3. Community college... the one place I always said I would never go to because I was "too smart" but yet, the more I think about it, the kids that are in community college for a year or too are probably smarter than kids like me who are spending 20k on an education that they aren't even sure that they want, paying for classes that we don't need because we are in a major we are going to change. (cons) But the big CC is probably something that might help me figure all that out... I could work, maintain and education, and be able to talk to people about a career and what type of work I may enjoy and be good at...hm.... BCC may be calling my name in the spring. (pros)
4. Finally, staying at snhu... I have no pros and no cons because I haven't been here long enough to even know how I feel about snhu. I don't know if I hate having a roommate, if I hate the school work, if I hate the school, or if I love having a roommate, the school work isn't even a lot, and that I love the school. I LEGIT DONT FREAKING KNOW.
ok so that was college.
Second: Why doesn't second have 2 c's? But thats besides the point. I think I have insomnia and i am going to google the symptoms and Im pretty sure it will come up with something dumb like "Lack of Sleep" like no shit THANK YOU.
Third: (did it again... wrote something and then deleted it.... I gotta STOP doing that) But lastly... has anyone ever done something that they tell people they regret but, really don't regret at all? I find myself doing that more and more because my 'mistake' would be better accepted if I found myself feeling... regretful. But in all honesty, I look at my mistakes as ways to better myself and grow as a person. If I beat myself up over the mistakes I made because I want people to better except me... that would be one mistake that I actually do regret. So I guess what I'm trying to say is that I kinda just do what I want and learn to live with the repercussions because it can only make me a better person. People are going to judge me either way, but the ones that don't are the ones that matter.
pce blogger.
1:18 am.
#thoughts
Can you imagine, imagine if it was THAT easy to just decide you don't like something and want to start it over. My life would be some much more simple... Even they way I just worded that was confusing "so much more".
Anyway- as its 1:00 in the morning theres so many things running through my mind. I hate it.
First (as always): College. What am I going to do. After a long weekend with my parents (I was home wednesday-sunday because I have been SERIOUSLY sick) I didn't really get any thinking done because talking to them is merely impossible because I yell, then they yell, then I cry, then they give up. SO I've decided for myself that I need to figure everything out and then tell them my plans and ask for their help. BUT what am I going to do. Here are my options
1. Transfer to BSU/UMB
2.Hair dressing school
3. Community college until i figure it out
4. Stay at snhu
Now that I know my options, and I mean those are what I think all of my options are... and if I am missing one.... PLEASE SOMEONE HELP... I should list the pros and the cons
1. If i transfer to a state school I can save significant amounts of money, I can have a job, I can live at home and mom and dad may even buy me a jeep. (pros) But if transfer to a state school I will have to meet all new people, change my major because accounting... not. for. me. and I would potentially have to live at home with my parents nagging me, making me live in my room that I've lived in my entire life when I'm technically supposed to be living on my own and learning to live on my own. and I don't want to miss the college experience... Even if I am not sure if I completely know what that is, or if I like it. (cons)
2. If I go to a cosmo school I will be done with school in a year and will be able to have a job at 19/20 potentially be happier with my life because I'm not stressed out about what assignment is due when and what math problem goes with what formula (pros). BUT I will be waisting everything I am doing at school right now, which doesn't really seem practical because I really am working hard, even if my 49 in math says otherwise. -_- (cons).
3. Community college... the one place I always said I would never go to because I was "too smart" but yet, the more I think about it, the kids that are in community college for a year or too are probably smarter than kids like me who are spending 20k on an education that they aren't even sure that they want, paying for classes that we don't need because we are in a major we are going to change. (cons) But the big CC is probably something that might help me figure all that out... I could work, maintain and education, and be able to talk to people about a career and what type of work I may enjoy and be good at...hm.... BCC may be calling my name in the spring. (pros)
4. Finally, staying at snhu... I have no pros and no cons because I haven't been here long enough to even know how I feel about snhu. I don't know if I hate having a roommate, if I hate the school work, if I hate the school, or if I love having a roommate, the school work isn't even a lot, and that I love the school. I LEGIT DONT FREAKING KNOW.
ok so that was college.
Second: Why doesn't second have 2 c's? But thats besides the point. I think I have insomnia and i am going to google the symptoms and Im pretty sure it will come up with something dumb like "Lack of Sleep" like no shit THANK YOU.
Third: (did it again... wrote something and then deleted it.... I gotta STOP doing that) But lastly... has anyone ever done something that they tell people they regret but, really don't regret at all? I find myself doing that more and more because my 'mistake' would be better accepted if I found myself feeling... regretful. But in all honesty, I look at my mistakes as ways to better myself and grow as a person. If I beat myself up over the mistakes I made because I want people to better except me... that would be one mistake that I actually do regret. So I guess what I'm trying to say is that I kinda just do what I want and learn to live with the repercussions because it can only make me a better person. People are going to judge me either way, but the ones that don't are the ones that matter.
pce blogger.
1:18 am.
#thoughts
Friday, October 23, 2015
More About College
Ok, enough with the sad 'my friends are all assholes' speech, because most of them aren't, but I'm a girl, and my friends are girls, and girls are assholes to other girls FOR NO REASON.
Back to what I wanted to really get off my chest. College. A different path than what I had originally planned. Since I was in 5th grade I planned on becoming a hair dresser because I LOVE making people feel pretty, and talking, and listening- all the things that a good hair dresser does. BUT- because of the way society is right now, my parents where not on board with this plan, even though when you think about it, I would be done with hair school in a year, giving me 3 more working years than all my friends to build up a clientele and a reputation as a stylist, but whatever that isn't where I am an now I regret the school I am at and the major I chose.
But how can I explain to my parents that they were right. That I should have gone to a state school, lived at home, or at an apartment (since the school that I wanted to go to didn't have housing). Because now that I am thinking about doing this, is it really what I want to do. Is living with my parents, fighting, having them on my case.. is that what I want as someone who is 19 and trying to figure out their life. Do I want to have them yelling at me for not doing the dishes, or not making my bed- FUCK THAT. How am I supposed to have all of this figured out, it takes me a good 30 minuets just to decide what I want for breakfast in the morning...
Another part of me also finds its really REALLY hard to talk about my own feelings. Like, someone elses feelings I can talk about forever. I can understand them and give them my thoughts. But my own feelings.... I can't even think about what they are or what they mean without mother freaking TEARS. I just get so overwhelmed with what I am already feelings that I don't even want to begin to think about what I am going to feel after I make a LIFE CHANGING decision. Which I also don't think people understand that, changing schools, and changing majors, can actually change my life completely and it can either go really good or really bad. I really want to go to a school and have people be like "Wow I want to have as much fun at college as Emily" I want to be so happy that other people are happy by just looking at me. But, I also want to do good in school. I want get straight A's and be the smartest I have ever been. But, trying to be the best you can be at a place you aren't really sure you want to be at, with people who you aren't really sure are your friends, is one of the hardest things to do. Explaining these feelings to my parents are what I am afraid of. They will come back with the whole college is where you are supposed to get an education, and I couldn't agree more. But college is also supposed to be the best-worst four years of you entire life as well. And I want both but I don't know where I can find both. I don't know if the small school that I am at is what I like, or if the big school 45 minuets away is where I will be the happiest. I don't know if my accounting 3 year program that I am in right now is my 'calling' or if I should have really gone to that hair academy. I don't know why I interned as a teaching assistant in high school when maybe I want to be a teacher but don't think that I have the brain power to be an amazing teacher like what I would want to be. The list goes on and on and on of all the things I WANTED to be, but never gave myself the time to become. Is partying and making friends who I want to be? Or should I stay in every weekend, and study and get a good job and meet people when I am in my thirties. People say that the people I know now won't matter in 10 years, but who are they to say that? All these things just give me one big headache. What is wrong and what is right? And who knows the difference? When will I know the difference.
Send help...
Back to what I wanted to really get off my chest. College. A different path than what I had originally planned. Since I was in 5th grade I planned on becoming a hair dresser because I LOVE making people feel pretty, and talking, and listening- all the things that a good hair dresser does. BUT- because of the way society is right now, my parents where not on board with this plan, even though when you think about it, I would be done with hair school in a year, giving me 3 more working years than all my friends to build up a clientele and a reputation as a stylist, but whatever that isn't where I am an now I regret the school I am at and the major I chose.
But how can I explain to my parents that they were right. That I should have gone to a state school, lived at home, or at an apartment (since the school that I wanted to go to didn't have housing). Because now that I am thinking about doing this, is it really what I want to do. Is living with my parents, fighting, having them on my case.. is that what I want as someone who is 19 and trying to figure out their life. Do I want to have them yelling at me for not doing the dishes, or not making my bed- FUCK THAT. How am I supposed to have all of this figured out, it takes me a good 30 minuets just to decide what I want for breakfast in the morning...
Another part of me also finds its really REALLY hard to talk about my own feelings. Like, someone elses feelings I can talk about forever. I can understand them and give them my thoughts. But my own feelings.... I can't even think about what they are or what they mean without mother freaking TEARS. I just get so overwhelmed with what I am already feelings that I don't even want to begin to think about what I am going to feel after I make a LIFE CHANGING decision. Which I also don't think people understand that, changing schools, and changing majors, can actually change my life completely and it can either go really good or really bad. I really want to go to a school and have people be like "Wow I want to have as much fun at college as Emily" I want to be so happy that other people are happy by just looking at me. But, I also want to do good in school. I want get straight A's and be the smartest I have ever been. But, trying to be the best you can be at a place you aren't really sure you want to be at, with people who you aren't really sure are your friends, is one of the hardest things to do. Explaining these feelings to my parents are what I am afraid of. They will come back with the whole college is where you are supposed to get an education, and I couldn't agree more. But college is also supposed to be the best-worst four years of you entire life as well. And I want both but I don't know where I can find both. I don't know if the small school that I am at is what I like, or if the big school 45 minuets away is where I will be the happiest. I don't know if my accounting 3 year program that I am in right now is my 'calling' or if I should have really gone to that hair academy. I don't know why I interned as a teaching assistant in high school when maybe I want to be a teacher but don't think that I have the brain power to be an amazing teacher like what I would want to be. The list goes on and on and on of all the things I WANTED to be, but never gave myself the time to become. Is partying and making friends who I want to be? Or should I stay in every weekend, and study and get a good job and meet people when I am in my thirties. People say that the people I know now won't matter in 10 years, but who are they to say that? All these things just give me one big headache. What is wrong and what is right? And who knows the difference? When will I know the difference.
Send help...
Again and again and again
I find myself feeling the same way, feeling like how can I do so much for someone and they can do so little for me. I wonder if what I have done was too much, or if what I had done was taken the wrong way. The way I am can be construed so differently by everyone I meet.
I wish that you were taught not to expect the same treatment as what you give. Because what I have learned over the past few years are that you don't get love as much as you give it, you don't get heard as much as you listen, and don't expect anything from anyone, ever.
I hold my feelings in because the chances of finding someone who actually cares enough to listen is going to be hard to come by.
I wish that you were taught not to expect the same treatment as what you give. Because what I have learned over the past few years are that you don't get love as much as you give it, you don't get heard as much as you listen, and don't expect anything from anyone, ever.
I hold my feelings in because the chances of finding someone who actually cares enough to listen is going to be hard to come by.
Sunday, October 18, 2015
Who are we
I recently took a test online for one of my classes that was supposed to give us insight into what our major should be, and what direction we should go with it. I am currently a business major... Which I....hate. But I love knowing that I will come out of college with a job, and money. The Job that this test told my I should have was a CHEF. Yes, I loooooove to cook. But I also love sitting in bed watching netflix?????? I want to understand how people my age KNOW WHO THEY WANT TO BE. I can barely pick out an outfit in the morning let alone a major. Every day I think about what I want to do with my life, and the more I think about it, the more I wonder why I am even in college in the first place. I have NO IDEA what I want to be, yet I am taking so. many. classes. all based around getting a degree in 3 years for a specific major that I am not even sure I want to do anything with when the time comes for me to graduate and get a job. It's frustrating doing bad in my major classes, because how does college work?? Is it ok if I fail a class? Why didn't high school explain any of this to us.
ugh.
ugh.
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