Ok, enough with the sad 'my friends are all assholes' speech, because most of them aren't, but I'm a girl, and my friends are girls, and girls are assholes to other girls FOR NO REASON.
Back to what I wanted to really get off my chest. College. A different path than what I had originally planned. Since I was in 5th grade I planned on becoming a hair dresser because I LOVE making people feel pretty, and talking, and listening- all the things that a good hair dresser does. BUT- because of the way society is right now, my parents where not on board with this plan, even though when you think about it, I would be done with hair school in a year, giving me 3 more working years than all my friends to build up a clientele and a reputation as a stylist, but whatever that isn't where I am an now I regret the school I am at and the major I chose.
But how can I explain to my parents that they were right. That I should have gone to a state school, lived at home, or at an apartment (since the school that I wanted to go to didn't have housing). Because now that I am thinking about doing this, is it really what I want to do. Is living with my parents, fighting, having them on my case.. is that what I want as someone who is 19 and trying to figure out their life. Do I want to have them yelling at me for not doing the dishes, or not making my bed- FUCK THAT. How am I supposed to have all of this figured out, it takes me a good 30 minuets just to decide what I want for breakfast in the morning...
Another part of me also finds its really REALLY hard to talk about my own feelings. Like, someone elses feelings I can talk about forever. I can understand them and give them my thoughts. But my own feelings.... I can't even think about what they are or what they mean without mother freaking TEARS. I just get so overwhelmed with what I am already feelings that I don't even want to begin to think about what I am going to feel after I make a LIFE CHANGING decision. Which I also don't think people understand that, changing schools, and changing majors, can actually change my life completely and it can either go really good or really bad. I really want to go to a school and have people be like "Wow I want to have as much fun at college as Emily" I want to be so happy that other people are happy by just looking at me. But, I also want to do good in school. I want get straight A's and be the smartest I have ever been. But, trying to be the best you can be at a place you aren't really sure you want to be at, with people who you aren't really sure are your friends, is one of the hardest things to do. Explaining these feelings to my parents are what I am afraid of. They will come back with the whole college is where you are supposed to get an education, and I couldn't agree more. But college is also supposed to be the best-worst four years of you entire life as well. And I want both but I don't know where I can find both. I don't know if the small school that I am at is what I like, or if the big school 45 minuets away is where I will be the happiest. I don't know if my accounting 3 year program that I am in right now is my 'calling' or if I should have really gone to that hair academy. I don't know why I interned as a teaching assistant in high school when maybe I want to be a teacher but don't think that I have the brain power to be an amazing teacher like what I would want to be. The list goes on and on and on of all the things I WANTED to be, but never gave myself the time to become. Is partying and making friends who I want to be? Or should I stay in every weekend, and study and get a good job and meet people when I am in my thirties. People say that the people I know now won't matter in 10 years, but who are they to say that? All these things just give me one big headache. What is wrong and what is right? And who knows the difference? When will I know the difference.
Send help...
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